While Carrie's dads were off at Uncle Ray's funeral, Carrie lost her virginity. She'd planned to lose it the first week of college -- as soon as she was away from her dads, that would be it. But she hated all the guys at her school, and she hated being away from her dads, and she hated the city and all the noise and lights, and she hated having to share a room with someone who smelled like plastic, and she hated everything so much that by the time she realized she didn't hate everything anymore, it was almost Christmas.

And then she was just busy, terribly busy, with studying and being worried about her dads, and -- well, everything. Who knew that going to college took up so much more time than going to high school?

She just never got around to losing her virginity, which, she realized, she didn't really care about at all.

It wasn't like she'd never done stuff, anyway -- she just didn't want to have sex with one of the local boys that her dads could kill. Especially because Daddy could make it look like an accident and Dad could make it look like it never happened at all.

Carrie spent most of the week they were gone by herself, with the dogs, reading all the books on her summer reading list. She'd read most of them before, because Dad always wanted her to read a lot, so she did, first to make him happy and then because she loved it. But two nights before they were supposed to get back, Jennie Dubois came over and brought her younger brother. He was only a year younger, but when he was sixteen and Carrie and Jennie were seventeen, it felt like a million years.

Now he was ninteen to their twenty, and had broad shoulders and stubble on his cheeks and chin and he wore black boots and a black hat, and for a second Carrie couldn't catch her breath.

"Scotty!" she said. "I haven't seen you in years!"

"It's Scott now," he replied, and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Carrie turned and hugged Jennie. "Hi!" she said. Jennie threw her arms around Carrie and pressed their cheeks together. Jennie's cheeks were always hot, even in the middle of winter.

"Oh, Carrie, you'll never believe it! Jackson and Eloise got married, and Chuck is gay, just like your dads, and --" Jennie talked all afternoon and told Carrie all the things she'd missed while she was gone away to college.

That night, she and Jennie and Scott lit a fire in the bonfire circle and drank the bottle of whiskey Jennie and Scott had brought with them, and after Jennie fell asleep, Scott pulled out a deck of cards.

"I don't have any money," Carrie said, and felt a curl in her stomach, lower, and knew what was going to happen, maybe.

"We can play for air," said Scott. He grinned at her. One of his canine teeth was crooked, from when he'd fallen out of a tree Carrie had dared him to climb when she was eight and he was seven, and she knew better and he didn't.

She sat too close to him, and lost on purpse -- Daddy had taught her how to cheat at cards as soon as she was old enough to recognize the Queen from the Jack -- and when Scott had to collect his air, she pushed their mouths together too hard and put his callused hands on her shoulders.

It hurt and she didn't like it, and there were twigs digging into her back, and leaves and dirt in her hair when they were finished. Scott smoked a cigarette laying naked on the ground even though it was really cold, and Carrie shivered and stoked the fire and didn't feel drunk at all. Then they did it again, even though she didn't want to, and it was better the second time, but still not as good as she'd thought it would be.

When Carrie woke up in the morning, the fire was out and she was freezing and stiff and her muscles hurt in places they didn't usually hurt. There was a dog on either side of her, and one under her head, and Scotty's jacket over her.

Jennie and Scotty were already in the cabin, and they'd kept breakfast and coffee hot for her.

"Sorry I slept so long," said Carrie as she stretched and yawned and Jennie poured her coffee. Scotty blushed, but Jennie was already telling Carrie a story about Eloise's mother and a party that night that Carrie couldn't go to because her dads were coming home and she had to be there.

After they were gone, she showered and masturbated -- and came, finally, God, Scotty had no idea where all the girl bits were and what they did, although he was a great kisser -- and showered again, made sure the dogs were fed enough, and cleaned. And cleaned. And cleaned.

And when her dads came home, she fell into Daddy's arms, and he held her tightly until Dad came and put his arms around both of them.

**

After Uncle Ray's funeral -- which Carrie was secretly relieved to not have to attend, since Mikey always sniffed around her and so did his goombah friends (whatever that meant, it's just what Daddy always called them), plus ever since she found out Daddy used to be married to Aunt Stella, she felt weird looking at her -- Carrie worried about her dads. They seemed a lot older when they got back, even though she knew they were old anyway.

They were too old to be her parents, but they were her parents, so she wasn't going to think about that part. But they were even old for regular people, or getting there, and Dad's heart wasn't so good, and Daddy had bad knees, and they lived out in the middle of nowhere, even though it was more of a somewhere than it had been when she was growing up.

And what if Daddy died first? Dad would never be able to handle it, and then both her dads would be gone at the same time. Daddy was resilient. Daddy could bounce back from anything. But Dad? Dad liked to eat dinner at the same time every night and have a routine, which Daddy teased him about a lot, but Carrie understood. Dad liked to know everything was where it was supposed to be when it was supposed to be there, and if Daddy wasn't where he was supposed to be when he was supposed to be there, Dad got upset. Really upset.

She didn't want to avoid her dads, but she still felt kind of uncomfortable about Scotty. But not really. But a little.

They spent the whole first day they were back sleeping anyway, and that night they told her all about Chicago and gave her presents, and went to bed early. She watched television, a special on the nature channel about manatees. She watched the whole thing, waiting for them to talk about the way manatees mated, but they only talked about migration patterns and herbivores.

It was two nights later when she woke up restless a little after one in the morning, and went into the kitchen for some tea. Daddy was already at the table, with a plate of cookies. He pushed the plate toward her when she sat down with her steaming cup.

"So," he said, and grinned his crazy wolf grin at her, the one that scared her sometimes, when she was younger. "Sex, huh?"

"What?" She choked on her tea.

"Sex. Essssss eeeeeee ex." He drew the letters out, making weird noises.

"Shut up, Daddy!" she said, exasperated.

"I was twenty once," he continued, and rocked his chair back onto two legs, shoved a cookie into his mouth. She'd made them, so she knew they were good, plus they had extra fat in them to help him gain weight for the winter. Her and Dad's secret, although Daddy probably knew and just pretended he didn't.

"When you were twenty, you were a troublemaker. I'm a sweet and innocent --" Daddy started laughing, and Carrie couldn't really keep up the prim act. "I'm sweet, anyway."

"You are." Daddy nodded. "Tell me who he is. I'll kill him."

"Daddy!" Carrie sighed. "There is no him." She sipped her tea. And refused to squirm.

"Maybe, maybe not, but I always beat you at poker, piergoi-face."

"You're a pierogi-face." Her tea was too hot but she kept sipping it anyway. "And you always beat me at poker because you cheat."

"I do not! Well, maybe a little. But it don't count if you don't catch me." He winked at her, and tilted his chair back again. Dad always said to him, "Ray, you'll tip over and crack your head open," so Carrie said it now.

"Daddy, you're going to tip over and crack your head open." And she felt her throat close and suddenly she was crying, but she was too big for Daddy to take her onto his lap the way he used to, so she had to cry alone.

"Aw, Carrie, don't cry -- I'm -- I'm sorry I called you a pierogi-face -- I --"

"What's gonna happen when you die?" she asked, even though she didn't mean to.

"Well, I figure… I dunno." He scratched his head and then his beard, and then took her hand. "You can burn me up. I don't like the idea of being here without being here, you know? Cremation is A-OK with me."

"Yeah, but what is Dad going to do?" Carrie squeezed his hand as tight as she could.

"Huh. Funny, I just had this conversation with him last week." Daddy looked down at their clasped hands, then up at her face. Sometimes she wished she was really his daughter so that she would look like him, have blue eyes and his light hair, and she'd end up with his bad teeth and funny-scary wolf smile.

He was quiet for a minute, and Carrie wondered if he was thinking about Dad burning up, or about Aunt Stella and Uncle Ray. Then he said, "I promised your Dad he'd go first. So I guess I've gotta stick to that. Fraser's a real believer in keeping promises, you know."

Carrie took a long sniff in, and rubbed at her eyes with the back of her free hand. Daddy's hand on hers was warm and a little sweaty, but she liked it.

"Right, I know," she said, because Daddy seemed to be waiting for her to say something.

"Right," he said, and patted her hand before pulling his away. "Really, if you tell me who you had sex with, I will kill him. I'll make it look like an accident."

Carrie rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Daddy."

"I know you're growing up, but you're not too old for me to kick your head in," he threatened.

She took a cookie. "Uh-huh."

"Okay, just tell me -- is it serious?"

"Your dementia? Yes, it seems to be. I'll tell Dad in the morning and he'll --" She almost said, "he'll take you out back and shoot you," but stopped herself in time. Not appropriate, Carrie, she said to herself. "He'll thwap you!" she finished, but kind of lamely.

Daddy just laughed at her, though, and took another cookie, and rocked back on his chair.

**

Carrie went back to school at the end of August, and it was harder than last time and the time before that. She didn't want to go this time, either, when last time she couldn't wait to get away and get some privacy and take a breath without her dads there.

"Call me if anything happens to him," she said in Daddy's ear, and he nodded and squeezed her extra tight.

**

It was a few weeks later when she came back to her room to the message on her answering machine, and it was like she was numb all over. It was complicated, trying to get home that quickly, but all she had was time to think, and she -- she hadn't really believed that Dad would go first. That Dad would ever -- that anything could ever happen to either of them. It was all theory, but now it was practice, and Carrie didn't think she could handle it.

Daddy looked even older and skinnier than when Carrie had come home over the summer, and that was scary, scarier than Dad laying on the hospital bed being prepped for surgery, because Daddy didn't have any energy, but Dad was still big and had color in his cheeks.

Daddy just looked desolate.

Carrie didn't cry again until she was back at school, having to take deep breaths in the middle of Anthro when she thought about her dads alone in the woods, getting colder, having to chop wood and build fires and take care of the dogs and patrol the town, all alone except for each other.